Cait the Proud Trans Woman

3 days ago

@ZDL

Well, welcome to a place you can find out some. There are dozens of careful, heartfelt replies below, with people's personal understandings of the subject. I made a synthesis of what I had learned in reply to this thread. :)

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3 days ago

@nora Well, my usual colleague is nonbinary, but they usually let me handle this part of the class for some reason, so I must be doing something right. But I think this is a better version than my current one, which mostly ends after "I don't understand it either, but I know how to be respectful."

Thank you. All our struggles are one struggle, sibling. :)

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3 days ago

And I guess I'll end where I started. With my work educating cishet people.

I think what I'll be saying from now on is something like this (not looking specifically for critique, but if you have some, I'll hear it - this isn't a script, but a meandering sort of stream-of-consciousness so, exact wording wouldn't be the same)

"One thing I don't know, and that is what it feels like to be nonbinary. My own gender is quite binary - note, not my expression, but my identity - so I don't understand what it feels like to be outside that binary.

"What I do know is what my nonbinary friends have told me: that none of them have the same understanding of what it means. And this makes sense. There are many ways to be a woman; many ways to be a man. It stands to reason there must be infinite ways to be neither, or both, or somewhere else off on the Z axis of the chart.

"We've been trained to believe that gender is a one-dimensional trait. It's either male, or female. There's only an X axis. What nonbinary people have taught me is that gender has multiple dimensions, and people can exist at any point on any of those axes. Or eschew the whole system entirely.

"Just remember that a nonbinary person can look literally like anyone you've ever met. Their gender expression may seem quite binary to you - but that doesn't mean anything about their identity. Decouple the idea of being able to tell someone's gender from the idea of being able to see what clothes they're wearing.

"In the end, be respectful. Listen to what people have to tell you, and use the pronouns (or lack thereof) they want to have used. And be prepared to discover a universe of different genders, each beautiful and valid."

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3 days ago

So, my own journey, since you were all kind enough to share yours.

I knew I was a girl from the time I can remember. This mostly manifested in wanting to dress like a girl; I never really envied or wanted to play with "girls'" toys, or anything like that. This is why I feel like my gender is binary, because I feel like the urge to dress femininely came out of the urge to be treated as a girl.

And lo and behold, after several years of living stealth after my transition (at 26), I discovered I'm not really all that femme. I can dress up, and I'll have a good time while I'm dressed up, but most of the time I'm just a schlub in leggings and a camisole, with a flannel over top if it's cold. Not super feminine, not masculine, just...existing.

So if the outside accoutrements of being feminine weren't what got me to transition, what was? My body. I wanted...needed...my body to be feminine. I don't know if I'd even want kids, but I sure do wish I'd had the choice to have one.

Wanting that to be my place in society. I can't explain it better than that. I looked at the men, and I looked at the women, and I felt very clearly that I belonged with one group and not the other.

Would I have chosen differently if there were any other options available in those days, to access the HRT I wanted? I can't say, of course. Maybe? Honestly, my presentation these days is pretty queer most of the time. My hair is shaved all around my head except on top, I rarely wear makeup, and my clothes are only leaning femme, rather than strongly so.

So yeah. Who knows? Do I feel this way because gender is drummed into us from an early age, and was so even more strongly when I was a small child (late 60s/early 70s)? Maybe. No way I can know. I know it feels good to be gendered feminine, and that's all I need to know, I guess.

Thank you all so much for the discussion. Very helpful indeed.

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4 days ago

This might be a weird question, and I want to start by saying that I ask it in good faith. I teach cishet people about how to be nice to queer folk, and this is one of the things that's the hardest for me to teach well.

That subject is "being nonbinary".

I'm definitely binary. There has never been a waver in my belief, since I was old enough to express it, that I'm a girl.

So I don't get what it feels like to be nonbinary. Which means I can't kind of explain it to cishet people either.

So I'm asking my nonbinary friends here, do you feel like you have a gender, or is it really a rejection of gender as a construct? Or both? Neither? Eighteen other things entirely?

I'm trying to come in without known biases here, but I apologise if I've mistakenly said something hurtful.

Will someone be kind enough to educate your sister, so she can educate others?

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